Out of work? Cameron has just the job for you
As the dole queue lengthens and living standards fall faster than at any time since the 1930s, you’ll be pleased to know that there is work there for all who want it in a planned new government agency.
The Stop The Anonymous Suspect Immigrant Agency (Stasia) is looking for staff to put into practice the policy announced by prime minister Cameron yesterday when he called on people to “shop” those they suspected might not be entitled to live in Britain.
Applicants should preferably be white British and able to answer questions like who won last year’s X-Factor and who are the judges in this year’s competition. Guidelines for spotting an illegal immigrant are being prepared, but are likely to include people who:
- are not fair-skinned and who have fuzzy hair (especially on the face)
- are heard speaking in a non-European foreign language or with a strong accent
- decline to go down the pub for a drink after work/refuse to buy a round when it’s their turn
- show no interest in the fortune of England sporting teams (especially at cricket)
- do not go for walks in the countryside and/or stay at home a lot
- are spotted sending money abroad to relatives
- work very long hours and perhaps have two or three low-paid jobs
- live in cramped houses or even sheds in people’s back gardens in Southall
- visit a hospital or GP without proving their entitlement
- do not own a car or drive without insurance (a lot of white people do this as well, which is a challenge)
- are unable to say when the Romans conquered Britain, what the Wars of the Roses were and whether the Magna Carta includes the right to a jury trial.
Payment per illegal immigrant shopped is being considered as a way of measuring performance of Stasia staff. Demand for the 10,000 jobs available with Stasia is likely to be heavy because of plummeting living standards.
A new report by the Institute for Fiscal Studies says that falling incomes will lead to the sharpest drop for middle-income families since the 1970s and will push 600,000 more children into poverty. By 2013 there will be 3.1 million children in poverty in the UK, according to the IFS projections. Some 17% of UK children were already living in absolute poverty in 2009-10.
There will also be 2.5m working-age parents and four million working-age adults without children in absolute poverty by 2013, says the report. Alison Garnham, chief executive of Child Poverty Action Group, said:
Ministers seem to be in denial that, under current policies, their legacy threatens to be the worst poverty record of any government for a generation. They risk damaging childhoods and children's life chances, as well as our national economic wellbeing from wasted potential and social costs spiral. It would be a catastrophic failure in public policy and political leadership.
For some, albeit a small minority, the crisis simply passes them by. We are talking of chief executives, directors, hedge fund managers, speculators and other assorted masters of the universe. Their role, among others, is to minimise tax payments and maximise shareholder returns.
A new report by ActionAid reveals that of the 100 biggest corporations listed on the London Stock Exchange, 98 use tax havens. Of their more than 34,000 subsidiary companies, joint ventures and associates, nearly one in four is located in a tax haven. The biggest tax haven user overall is the advertising company WPP, which has 611 tax haven companies!
Now, setting up a hot-line to shop a capitalist tax avoider/bankster/speculator/polluter/anti-union employer… Dream on!
11 October 2011